Is This For Real?

I am now heading towards having lost 35 pounds since January 2009 and 45 pounds from my highest weight ever, and that just amazes me. I can’t believe what I have accomplished. It’s astonishing. Is this for real?

The problem with asking is this for real is that there is a little voice in the back of my mind that sometimes answers no. It’s not. You are right to doubt this. Come on, do you really think that you can continue to lose weight and keep it off once you reach your goal weight? Get real. The real, fat Michelle will come back out and make sure you return to your obese state, where you were for more than ten years and where you really belong. Why do you think this time will be different?

I’m not swamped by these doubts and negative emotions, but they are there at times. Given that I am an emotional eater and can let unacknowledged emotions self-sabotage my good intentions and induce me to overeat, I can’t ignore these thoughts and feelings. This disbelief can also grow when I’ve had a stretch of time when I’ve not lost weight or even when I recognize that I’ve been backsliding a little and eating more while moving less. That pretty much describes where I’ve been in the past month or so.

A couple of weeks ago, I walked into Weight Watchers and found out I had gained .2 of a pound. That’s nothing to get upset about, but it was the third week in a row of fairly negligible movement on the scale. I was getting set up for my doubts to grow.

I walked into the meeting, sat in my usual spot and noticed a newcomer in the front row. She was slender and was wearing a pantsuit that I liked and could see myself wearing. She had a similar hairstyle and was probably in her 30s. She screamed professional and in many ways, she reminded me of myself. I thought she might be a big shot from Weight Watchers there to observe the meeting. She was way too thin to be there to lose weight.

It turns out that she is going to be a group leader, and my brilliant group leader is mentoring her for a few weeks. As part of this process, she conducted part of the meeting and shared her weight loss journey. I almost cried.

When she walked into Weight Watchers for the last time several years ago, she was attending one of the best colleges in the country. She had a handsome husband and an active, good life. She was successful by almost every measure of success, but she could not control her weight. She could control everything but the weight. She could accomplish just about every goal she set for herself, but she could not lose the weight. Her rock bottom came when she had to get bigger clothes for a nice vacation because nothing she owned fit anymore. Pretty soon after that vacation, she began her weight loss journey. Now, she is 45 pounds down from her highest weight and lost 35 through Weight Watchers. Do those numbers sound familiar?

Her talk gave me chills, and I could have cried if I let myself. I had a strong, visceral reaction to this. It wasn’t as strong as the one to the Fear of Success talk, but it stands out as the second strongest reaction. I’ve heard much more dramatic weight loss stories, but her story could have been mine.

She could have been talking about me. I don’t have the handsome husband, but I have attended one of the best colleges in the country and succeeded in many other areas. With all that success, I had still been haunted by the fact that I could not lose the weight no matter how much I could succeed in other areas of my life. My most successful attempt ever in terms of weight had started in January 2009, and I had lost about the same amount as she had: 45 pounds from my highest weight and about 35 with Weight Watchers.

And, now, I was staring at a woman who had lost the same amount I had, and it challenged those little doubts I’d been having lately over whether my weight loss journey was for real. It forced me to see just how dramatic a 35-45 pound weight loss could look when I compared her current appearance to her before photos. I couldn’t help but ask was the difference as startling in me. Why wouldn’t it be?

Her story could have been my story, and hers had a happy ending. She has been at her goal weight for three years and has managed to keep it off. If it is real for her, why can’t it be real for me?

Just in case I had missed the lesson I needed to learn that night, it was reinforced again before the conclusion of the meeting. A newer member was complaining that it was hard for her to keep going because she couldn’t really believe this time would be any different from her previous failed attempts to lose weight. The group leader said that this time would be different. He then turned to look at me and asked, “Right, Michelle?” I nodded in agreement.

Yes, this time is different, and it is for real. I’ve added the woman who reminded me of myself to the unofficial list of success stories I keep. Collecting other people’s success stories gives me hope and helps me believe that I really can lose this weight and keep it off. They can inspire me to believe I can do it and think about how I can make my journey to becoming a healthy writer a success. Forcing myself to confront and analyze what happened to me, how did I gain the weight, what behaviors made me gain weight and in turn what behaviors made me lose weight ultimately give me more confidence that this is for real.

What do you do to encourage yourself when you start asking is your weight loss success for real? How do you find ways to encourage yourself when you start doubting the possibility that you can lose weight?