The Skinny Girl in the Elevator

Last year at DragonCon I stepped onto the crowded elevator to a scent worth drooling for: bar-be-queue sauce sweet and tangy followed by a hint of fresh French Fries. My mind filled in the rest of the meal hiding in the Styrofoam container: crumbly, buttery cornbread and cool, creamy coleslaw. Having just come from a not-nearly-as-enticing grilled chicken salad, I sighed and announced how jealous I was. A woman not far from me reminded me to think of the calories. I replied that you couldn’t always count calories. And then she said…

“Skinny girls always say things like that.”

After I picked my jaw up from the elevator floor I told her my weight and thanked her for calling me a skinny girl. She told me I wore it well and walked out of my life. That would be the first, and only, time I’ve ever been the skinny girl.

There are a few lessons here: that we’re all the skinny girl compared to someone else, that it only takes a minute to make someone’s day, and that good bar-be-que is worth a taste or two. But the most important one is this: it’s not about how other people see you, it’s about how you see you.

The girl riding the elevator with me saw skinny. Great! But I can’t take that compliment and use it to ignore the facts: my BMI registers as obese, given my family medical history sugary meals and simple carbs are dangerous, and someone with my health background needs to be better. It’s not about getting compliments, it’s not about fitting into a size 10, it’s about staying alive and being healthy.

I want to be able to live without a daily injection of insulin. I want to be able to enjoy my old age without taking several daily prescriptions. I want to walk along the beach without worrying about how far it is. I want know the only thing stopping me is good sense, not poor health.

It’s hard when you get close to your goals and other people begin to see you as skinny. Friends will say you’re doing so well, skip tonight’s run and come have a beer. Partners will pick up sugary treats, offering them to you as a reward. It’s harder still when it isn’t going well, when nothing seems to work or you just don’t want to think about it anymore. People will tell you you’re being silly, you look great. The world will make excuses for you: you’ve had a bad day, there’s some reason to celebrate, or it’s too cold or hot to be healthy.

But you’re worth the work. Your health is worth fighting this battle. Having a set back or reaching a milestone isn’t a reason to stop. You have to remain vigilant, even when it feels like you’re almost finished or feel you never will be. So bask in the glow of compliments (I still think about being the skinny girl in the elevator) but remember to stay on course. Appreciate the intentions behind the excuses, but ignore their siren’s song. Stay in control and don’t let anyone make your choices for you.

What compliments have you gotten lately? Where have you been derailed? Can you use one to fight the other? Let me know if you think I’m crazy in the comments below.

~~~

When she’s not cooking, buying, or dreaming about food Rachel Kleinsorge writes steamy paranormal mystery romances. She is currently waiting for the call from her agent, the amazing Carolyn Grayson, while working on her next novel.

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Reward Yourself!

About a year ago, I finally passed the ten-pound loss mark. It was an exciting milestone. Yes, it took me nearly 3 months to lose those 10 pounds, but it was the fastest 10 pounds I'd ever lost, and I know I can be a slow loser. I’ve even accepted that I can’t or won’t lose weight fast. In 2009, I was prepared to give it my all for a whole year to lose weight and accept whatever results came my way. I didn’t let how long it took me to lose those 10 pounds ruin my feelings of happiness at the accomplishment.

I wanted to acknowledge the achievement, celebrate the accomplishment and reward myself. In the past, I’d often used food as a reward. Going out for a nice dinner with friends did not feel like an appropriate way to celebrate losing weight. I also knew I needed to change some of the habits that had helped me gain and maintain my obese status. I needed to come up with another way besides food to reward myself.

I decided to go buy some new make-up. A year ago, I’d almost run out of it. I had a little bit of powder, a brown eyeliner, very old mascara and a couple of lipsticks left. In 2008 and perhaps even 2007, I’d really stopped caring so much about my appearance, and replacing make-up was not a priority. I’d stopped wearing it to work. In fact, it was getting so bad that I wasn’t bothering to put my contacts in half the time I went to my office. Given the fact that I always feel much, much less attractive or even worth acknowledging when I wear my glasses, I was really wallowing in some bad vibes about myself. I’d given up on my appearance in ways that were not healthy or any good for my self-confidence level.

Going to the mall to replace all my old make-up was a great way to celebrate this new effort in caring for myself. As I’ve continued to lose weight, I’ve started to pay more attention to my appearance. This has helped increase my self-confidence, and I’ve kept it from crossing the line into an unhealthy or harsh and judgmental obsession with how I look. Around the 15-pound loss mark, I started to shop for new clothes as a reward.

Over the long haul, I’ve found passing a 5-pound milestone (20, 25, 30 pounds down) or a 10-pound milestone such as getting into the 180s from the 190s was enough of a reward on its own. I then started to reserve the rewards for when I was feeling fat or discouraged about my journey to becoming a healthy writer. I’ve been known to go straight from a Weight Watchers meeting where I found out I had a gained a little to an Ann Taylor Loft to buy a new pair of pants that would not have fit a month prior.

Even just trying new clothes on at my favorite stores and getting into a smaller size could be a reward or a way to encourage myself. I don’t have to buy the clothes to get the thrill. Sometimes when I’m down about my last weigh in or feeling discouraged, I’ll walk over to Ann Taylor at lunch and try on some outfits that catch my eye. Yes, sometimes I buy them, but I often don’t, especially if it’s not a good price. I just admire myself in smaller clothes in the mirror and acknowledge all that I’ve accomplished and what I will continue to accomplish if I keep going.

I’ll also do this at home. I’ll go to my closet and pull out a favorite piece of new clothing or an outfit I’m still working on getting into. I’ll put it on and acknowledge how good it looks on or how much closer I am getting to it fitting. I’ll also hold it up and force myself to acknowledge how small the clothing looks and that I now can fit into it; therefore, I’m small.

It also helps to look at clothing in sizes that used to fit but are now too big. It is thrilling to put on a 12 or 14 that is very roomy. I've given away most of my too big clothing, so I have to go to the stores to find 16s or plus-sized clothing. Saturday I walked into a Lane Bryant, formerly one of my favorite stores, and hunted down a pair of size 20 plus cropped pants. I held it up to myself, and I was about half that size. I could wrap it around my body, and I do think I might have been able to step my entire body into one leg. I wore a pair of size 20 shorts for many years. It was kind of amazing stuff to think about as I looked at those now way too large pants.

These kinds of rewards really help me feel good about myself and keep moving forward.

Do you use rewards to keep you going on your journey to becoming a healthy writer?

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So Many Victories Along the Way!

My own post yesterday inspired me to go to the local Ann Taylor at lunch today and try on 6 pairs of pants in size 10. To my shock and glee, 4 of the 6 fit (though they were on the tight side), and I could get the two pairs of jeans on and might have been able to fasten them if I did something crazy like lie down before I tried to zip them. Oh, happy day! This was not the case just 2-3 weeks ago!! I need to pull out more of the 10s I got at the clothes swap Saturday to see if any of them fit. The one Armani pair I tried did not, and I just assumed the others would not either. Maybe the Banana Republic 10s will now.

People, do you know how small a pair of size 10 pants look when you hold them up? I can not believe I can fit into something so darn small. I'm hoping to get below 180 tonight at my Weight Watchers weigh in tonight (not sure where all the weight is given I now wear a 12/10 - can't all be in my chest, stomach, butt and thighs, can it?), but it does not matter that much. I can just tell myself I now wear a 10 as I get off that scale tonight. Yes, I really am going to stick to my goal of getting into the Weight Watchers healthy weight range of 124 to 155 for a person who is 5' 6", but there are so many victories along the way to acknowledge and celebrate. What joy!

What victories have you celebrated along your way to becoming a Healthy Writer?

Michelle Butler has made becoming a healthy writer a priority. She lives, works and writes in the Washington, DC, area. You can follow her on twitter at http://twitter.com/healthywrtr

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A Third Vote of Confidence in Myself

For the third time in my life, I have done a full sweep of my wardrobe and pulled out all the clothes that are now too big. I seem to have a strong pattern to this process. Like the first and second times I did this, it starts in a frenzy of joy and celebration. It is so much fun to pull out all the clothes in a particular size, try them on, and discover that they are all to big. For more than ten years, I was much more used to trying on all the clothes in a particular size and "discovering" that they were all too small. The opposite is so much more fun.

When I go through my wardrobe to weed out what no longer fits, I pile all the too big clothing on my love seat or couch and glory in that sight for a day or two. Then, the freak out starts. Who am I kidding? Look at all that nice clothing that I'm just going to give away. How much money does that pile represent? Can I really keep off this weight or continue to lose? Odds are against me. Do I want to spend the money to repurchase this wardrobe if/when I ever get back to this size?

The freak out wasn't as strong this time though. I have two other examples to reflect on how this process really works for me. A Weight Watchers buddy said it was like Hernan Cortez burning his ships when he and his crew of Spaniards landed on Mexico. There is no going back. You have to keep moving forward and succeeding at this journey. I do know that getting rid of my bigger clothes the previous two times helped me keep from regaining the weight and getting back into those larger sizes.

I am a very solid size 12 now. In fact, I'm just starting to fit into the smaller side of the size 12 range (e.g. Tahari suits) and even into a-line size 10 skirts and dresses. Soon, I'll fit into curvy 10s (e.g. Ann Taylor Loft Julie pants). Give it a few more months, and I'll be wearing the smaller 10s (e.g. Ann Taylor Loft Marissa pants). By mid-summer, I may be able to contemplate wearing a-line 8s as the curvy 10s become too big. There is a very strong pattern to getting into smaller size clothing that I have now experienced many times through 20-plus (one pair of very hated shorts), several 18-plus, lots and lots of 16-plus, some 14-plus, regular 16, regular 14, regular 12 and just the barest glimmers of regular 10. I recognize, celebrate and love all the signs of progress.


L: May 2005 in Hydra, Greece. I'm pretty sure I'm wearing size 18-plus cropped pants from Dress Barn Woman.

R: March 13, 2010 - I'm wearing regular size 12 from Ann Taylor Loft. This was the first time I'd fit into the brown, size 12, Marissa pants pictured.


The current pile of clothing on my love seat contains mostly size regular 14 clothing and several of my favorite, "smaller" size 16 pieces. For more than a decade, losing 20 pounds and getting into a regular size 14 was an impossible goal. I walked into Weight Watchers in January 2009 half ready to prove that it was impossible and with tentative plans to join the fat is beautiful movement in 2010. Instead, I'm getting rid of those 14s and contemplating getting into a size 10 or 8. That is amazing.

Yesterday, I took the very best of my size 16 and size 14 clothing, most of which had only been worn half a season, to a clothes swap party that I've been fortunate enough to go to 3 times before. A successful member of my local RWA chapters hosts it every year. I was able to see many of my long-time friends take my size 14 and 16 clothing home as additions to their wardrobe or as aspirational pieces. I think that's so wonderful.

I went home with my own huge pile of aspirational pieces, costume jewelry and a nice pair of shoes. (By the way, my shoe size has gotten smaller with my now nearly 35 pound weight loss since January 09 and nearly 45 from my highest weight. I used to be a 8 - 8 1/2 and I'm now more of an 8 - 7 1/2 size shoe wearer.) The hostess of the party had lost 20-30 pounds herself this past year and had contributed many size 8s and 10s to the pile of clothes to be swapped. I seemed the most interested in them (or perhaps the most aggressive person to go after them), and I now have many amazing pieces I can add to those 3 size 10 clothes I bought last winter to use as something to work towards in the next 6 months to a year. In fact, one or two of the pieces from yesterday's clothes swap already fit well enough to be worn in public. I'm filled with confidence that the rest of it will eventually fit. No, this journey is not fast, but I do know that my patience and persistence will be rewarded.

What things do you do as a vote of confidence in yourself? As you get smaller, do you get rid of your bigger clothes?

Michelle Butler has made becoming a healthy writer a priority. She lives, works and writes in the Washington, DC, area. You can follow her on twitter at http://twitter.com/healthywrtr

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What Are You Working Towards?

Even though I now have lost 30 or so pounds, I still hate the scale. The number it shows almost always disappoints me, and it’s not enough of a reward to keep going. I’ve worked on finding other ways to measure my progress and establish short-term goals to work towards. One of my favorites is clothing.

The outfit you see to the left is one that I worked towards fitting into the past 11 months. I got the size 12, Ann Taylor, A-line skirt in New York City during a visit to my sister a couple years ago, and I always thought it would look very sharp paired with a red shirt. It was one of my fantasy outfits I dreamed of wearing when I finally got thin.

When I first tried on this skirt, I was able to fasten only the top button if I sucked it in, and the gapping sides formed a large triangle. Whenever I reached a particular milestone in my journey to becoming a healthy writer this year, I’d try on this skirt and watch that triangle get smaller and smaller until I was finally able to close all the buttons. Once there were no gaps between the buttons and the skirt was no longer too tight to wear in public, I proudly and very happily donned this outfit and wore it to work Wednesday, Nov. 18, 2009. I even was able to top the outfit with a very stylish, size 12, Ann Taylor Loft, short, winter coat. I made a colleague take my picture so I could document this accomplishment.

I’ve used other pieces of clothing, such as the outfit pictured to the right, as ways to measure my progress this year as well. I discovered that once I started to fit into more and more pieces in a particular size, I needed to start using a size smaller pair of pants, skirt, dress or top to measure my overall progress. I still have plenty of size 12s that I don’t fit into: a lovely Ann Taylor pencil skirt suit, 3 Tahari pants suits, and several other pants, but now that I can wear several size 12 outfits, I need to have some size 10s to work towards.

I did not own any size 10 clothing until mid-October. It’s been a very long time since I could fit into any, and I did not keep my thin college clothes. I did have some clothing I’d bought massively on sale through the years to thin into, but I never dared to dream I’d get back into a 10. Contrary to the fact that I am admitting to how many pieces of clothing I’ve bought when they were still too small to wear, I really do have a frugal streak. I only ever bought clothes one or two sizes smaller than I currently was and only when it was really, really on sale. (Yes, the frugal Yankee in me does feel a little guilty about this.)

In the past month, I have bought three size 10 pieces of clothing: a size 10 Evan-Picone purple dress (very Michelle Obama), a medium (sizes 8/10) Ann Taylor green silk shirt dress, and a size ten Ann Taylor Loft pair of corduroys. All three pieces were bought massively on sale. The two dresses were in the 30s and the pants were $22.04. I even tried the clothing in a size that currently fit to make sure they would be flattering when I reached a size 10. For less than $90, I have great encouragement to keep going and something to measure my progress against. I think it’s worth it.

What are you working towards? Have you found ways to measure your progress other than the scale? What helps you succeed on your journey to becoming a healthy writer?

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Recognize and Celebrate Non-Scale Victories

The scale is not my friend. It’s a necessary part of tracking my progress, but I can’t let it become the “be all” of my journey to becoming and staying a healthy writer. Sure, there are times when I love the number it shows, but it also breaks my heart on a regular basis. I’ve got to come up with other ways to acknowledge what I’ve accomplished and give me motivation to continue. Learning to recognize and celebrate non-scale victories is an important part of making my journey a success.

This was a week where the scale was not kind. I knew why it went up 2.4 pounds. I had lost so much the week before (4.6 pounds) because I was sick that I couldn’t be surprised by a gain. I also ate too much during my writers’ retreat. Knowing that still didn’t keep me from getting down, so I started to compile a list of non-scale victories to keep my mind in the right place.

I sleep better. I remember having troubles falling asleep all the way back to my childhood. I’ve had bouts with insomnia, and they are maddening. I have a hard time shutting down my brain at night and have tried lots of tricks but nothing works as well as working out at a high level on a regular basis. Honestly, a stretch of insomnia will get me back to the gym quicker than anything else.

I have more energy. I am a goal-oriented person, and I just didn’t think I’d have the energy to work on all I wanted to accomplish if I didn’t find a way to make some permanent changes. I hate it when all I can do when I get home from work is sit on the couch and stare at the TV. A better diet and exercise gives me the extra energy I need to work on what is most important to me.

I have a better attitude. I’m more confident. I’m happier. I’m more optimistic. I feel really good overall. I’m just in a better place emotionally since I started to make these healthy changes in my life. I don’t want to go back.

My clothes fit better. First, all the clothes that were uncomfortably tight began to fit well. Then, they got loose. When they got too big and baggy to wear in public, I started to buy clothes a size down. I’m now a couple sizes below what I was in January 2009, and I love it. Just this week, I wore two new pairs of pants that were too tight just a few weeks ago. You can see one of those pairs in the photo posted of my two critique partners and me 2 Sundays ago. I’ve no idea how far I can go, but I can’t wait to see where I end up.

I’m smaller. I did not take my measurements in January, but I did in mid-May when I started to go to the gym regularly. I’m now 10 inches smaller in just 4 months.

I’m stronger. On the advice of a kind lady at my first weight class, I only lifted 2 kilograms that first time. I cannot exaggerate how sore I was for days after that. I’m now lifting up to 17 kilograms for the biggest muscle groups, and I can do “man” push-ups. I love it.

I’m more fit. I wasn’t completely out of shape in January since I walk a decent amount for my commute, but I’m in much better shape now in terms of endurance and speed. I can work out for 1 to 2 hours straight or I can really, really push myself for stretches at a time.

I’m more in control of my eating. I just don’t overeat or binge like I used to. When I get stressed out, my first recourse is not stuffing my face anymore. I think my appetite has decreased or my stomach has shrunk, but I just can’t eat as much as I used to. I also feel better for eating healthier and can feel the difference if I eat a very unhealthy meal. I’m not completely there yet, but food does not control me. I control it for the most part.

I’m getting compliments. They started when I had lost around 10 or 15 pounds, and they have continued steadily since then. There are a few people at work who refer to me as skinny. I absolutely love how I almost always get a compliment on a day when I’m feeling weak about making wise choices, I’ve actually just gained weight or I’m just feeling fat. I let them keep me going on the right path.

I’m inspiring others to make healthy changes. Tuesday, just hours before I was weighed in and told I’d gained 2.4 pounds, two work colleagues at separate times told me what an inspiration I was. They were so impressed that I had kept going and had not fallen of the wagon. I had inspired them to try once again to lose weight. Several other work colleagues have told me that in the past few months, as have friends and family members. Hearing that makes me feel good and always increases my motivation to just keep going. Sometimes it’s easy, and sometimes it’s hard, but in the end, both work.

What are some of your favorite non-scale victories since you started your own journey to becoming a healthy writer?

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A Vote of Confidence in Myself

I’ve struggled with my weight since elementary school, and it became a much bigger issue in college – pun intended. I first joined Weight Watchers (WW) in 1995 and have made many attempts since then to get back to a healthy weight range. My current effort is the most successful ever. Part of that accomplishment is due to the fact that I took the time to figure out what lessons I could learn from my past failures and semi-successes.

In 2004 or 2003, a colleague organized a Weight Watchers at work program that started the week before Thanksgiving and ran through mid-Winter. I participated and lost around 15 or so pounds. For the first time in my life, I did not regain all of the weight I had lost during one of my WW attempts. Furthermore, I hadn’t even started at my highest weight ever. After I moved from Texas to DC, I lost about 10 - 15 pounds because I drive less and walk more here in my day-to-day life.

How was I able to maintain this loss of 10 – 15 pounds? Part of it was the increased activity from living in a walking-friendly environment, but there is one other tactic I took that I highly recommend. At the end of the Weight Watchers at work program, I went through my closets and drawers and removed all the clothing that was a size or two too big at that point and gave it to Goodwill. Most of my size 16 plus clothing, all of the 18 plus and the most-hated, it-was-so-hot-in-Texas, and I-had-no-shorts-that-fit-and-I-was-desperate, size 20 plus shorts were gone, and I vowed never to buy clothes in those sizes again. Whenever the remaining clothes got tight enough that I started to long for some of the very nice clothing I had given to Goodwill, I got motivated enough to do something and lose 5-10 pounds. Part of this motivation came from my frugality, but some of it came from stubbornness.

The value of drawing this clear line in the sand was a very useful lesson, and I’m turning to it again. Yesterday and earlier this summer, I went through my closets and drawers and pulled out all of my clothing that was too big. I have a mountain of clothes on my loveseat that includes the following sizes: 16 plus (not a lot – most of it went the last time I did this), 14 plus, X and even some 1X, 16 regular (including several fabulous Jones New York suits), a few 14 regular, extra large, very few larges and a few men’s sizes and other stuff so random I almost don’t know how I accumulated it. Looking at that pile makes me very happy, but it is tinged with a little fear.

Even though this has worked in the past, it’s still scary. I’m giving away a lot of very nice clothing – stuff that would be very expensive to replace – and it’s been so long, more than ten years, since I’ve been in my size range – a pretty solid 14 with some “small” size 16 stuff and “big” size 12 stuff. I’m also more of a large or a rare medium on top instead of an extra large. Is this just a temporary fluke? Can I stay here or even get smaller? I’ve been fat most of my adult life, and for years, I accepted that as what I was meant to be.

Some of you may notice that I said I cleaned my closets earlier this summer. That too-big summer clothing has been sitting on my loveseat for more than a month because I couldn’t find the courage to bring it to Goodwill. It was good stuff, and I couldn’t completely convince myself that I wouldn’t need it again. The pile has now doubled. I need to believe in myself and that my journey to becoming and staying a healthy writer will be a success. I need to acknowledge the fear holding me back, confront it, and get over it.

This morning, I sent an email to my local writer’s group offering this clothing to anyone interested (some of it really is very nice) and gave myself a deadline of next Sunday to get the remaining clothes to Goodwill. This is my vote of confidence in myself for the next four months – and beyond.

What kind of “vote of confidence in yourself” can you make for the next four months that will help you along your journey to becoming and staying a healthy writer?

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